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Beginning · to · end. · im · always · me
everything starts with a dream
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i kind of want to apologize for who i used to be, but on the other hand i kind of dont. i want to ask all the random people who hate anyone, particularly girls who hate other girls, to try to get to know them. do you realize how much energy you waste viciously attacking someone mentally, or talking shit about them, because you heard she slept with so and so or because the guy you like once liked her. yea, not fucking worth it, at all.
ive been doing a lot of thinking lately, and analyzing i suppose, and trying to figure out why i react the way i do to some things. i hate writing this. but i really feel like i need to. so many girls have hated me for stupid reasons, and its typically over guys. and in some ways it bothers me. i dont like when people hate me. im not sayng i havent done the same thing. im guilty. i have talked shit, i have been vindictive and ridiculously hateful. ive learned that its not worth it to hate people, no matter what you hear. so please, all of you, get to know me. donthate me because of who im with, or other stupid shit in the past. i promise you, its not worth it to hold grudges. if i held a grudge instead of getting over it, i wouldnt have two of the best friends i have today.
im trying so hard to learn from my mistakes and what ive done in the past, because ive done and said a lot of things that i am truly ashamed of. and if i hurt you, whether it was intentionally or by accident, im really sorry.
i think its time for a new journal. if you want the new name just ask me. |
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dont settle for a relationship that wont let you be yourself.
life isnt all its cut out to be. it has its ups and downs, but you have to embrace those ups and downs and learn from them. you cant just sit back and mope and make people have pity for you. you have to put those things that are hurting you aside....and live....you only get one life and that one life isnt long. you have to do everything that comes your way. yea....you might get embarassed, but in a month, noone will remember. you have to do what you feel is right. you cant worry about other people. just life and how you want to live it. dont follow examples, make them. let people follow in your footsteps. sometimes, you just have to dance around and look like a fool. other times, you have to sing as loud as you can, even if you do sound bad. you havent lived until you've danced in your underwear. and most of all, you need to laugh. never go a day without laughing....or at least smiling. it doesnt matter if you've had the worst day, if you just laugh, everything will be okay. for the most part, just be you. dont listen to others....they are going to make fun of you....they are going to tell you that you're stupid. but, that is their opinion. it only becomes true when you start to believe it.
illness, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul.
"you cant keep dwelling on every moment that slipped by; with every sunset comes a sunrise. and we dont know or care where we go. just turn up that radio, sing along to all our favorite songs and hope these interstates go on and on and on."
if you're convinced that you're not good enough, you will have a difficult time accepting someone into your life who thinks you are
if you're feeling frightened about what comes next, dont. embrace the uncertainty. allow it to lead you places. be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness, dont waste time with regret. spin wildly into your next action. enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you'll never get another one quite like it. and if you should ever look up, and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart....where your hope lives. you'll find your way again.
If you avoid certain situations because you're worried about the outcome, you never get to learn what would have happened if you had faced those situations. You deprive yourself of the chance to see how you would have coped. When you decide to avoid, you experience a temporary state of relief, but you're also left feeling powerless and deflated, as if you can't control your own behavior. Eventually you become discouraged and disheartened as a vague sense of feeling paralyzed sets in. This is how avoidance slowly eats away your self-confidence over time... Push yourself to feel vulnerable- this allows you to learn that you can handle whatever happens, and that even the most difficult of emotions can't destroy you. We're all capable of feeling intense fear so we can escpape life-threatening situations... But usually people avoid things that simply make them feel uncomfortable. |
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1. Have you had any relationships this year? only 1 important one 2. Have you had your birthday yet yes 3. Seen Happy Feet yet? nope 4. Been on a diet? Nope but i need to start eating healthier 5. Pulled an all nighter? of couse 6. Drank Starbucks? not that much but yes 7. Went Camping? sort of 8. Bought something(s) quite a few things 9. Met someone special? A few 10. Been out of state? Mexico 11. Gone Snowboarding? Nope 12. What are you thinking about?
how much i want to accomplish in life...and a certain someone Have you... 1.) Hugged someone? Oh yeah 2.) Slept in someone else's bed? Yep 3.) Drank any alchohol? yes 4.) Loaned out money? kinda sorta 5.) Gotten in a car accident? haha before the concert last night me and jessika sideswiped a car 6.) Gone over your cell phone bill? all the time 7.) Done something you regret? Lightweight 8.)Last Person you hugged? jessika 9.)Last Person to call you? sergio 10.) When was the last time you felt stupid? no idea. dont really care anymore 11.)Who was the last person you danced with? jessika, sergio and tristan in my car last night 12.)Who did you last yell at?
dont remember 13.)What did you do today? woke up and did a bunch of job applications 01. Hometown? San Leandro 02. Natural hair color? red/brown. 03. Initials? rsl 04. Hair style? boring....i need to get a cut 5. eye color? blue/green 06. Height: 5'4 or 5'5ish 07. Pets: 2 dogs 08. Mood: bored 09. Where would you rather be? somewhere fun 10. Last thing you drank?
coca cola TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE: 01. Have you ever been in love: yes 02. Do you believe in love? definitely 03. Why did your LAST relationship fail? he went back to new york :( 04. Have you ever been heartbroken: Oh yeah 05. Have you ever broken someone's heart: yea 5 EMOTIONS 01. Are you missing someone right now? yepp 02. Are you happy? i am content 03. Are you eating anything? no. 04. Do you love someone right now? i love a lot of people 05. What do you think the future holds? everything and anything |
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i love your witty little journal entries because i will never be able to surpass them, but i dont really mind because it is refreshing to hear about places and situations that i do not get to experience that often. your take on life is rather refreshing. little infatuations area a nice break from the norm... |
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sometimes you are just waiting for that person to wake up and realize that you arent the one that they want. you arent their number one, their soulmate, their significant other. and, sometimes that dream is merely a nightmare. a nightmare of some persons reality.
sometimes you get worried that the flaws you work so well to cover are out there on your sleeve, or as bright as a stain on your perfectly flawless white shirt.
sometimes you realize that loving can also lead to so much hurting because of the fact that loving someone makes you so vulnerable to weakness
sometimes you hope that someone can take your bullshit, and love you, the shit, and the bull you use to cover you up.
sometimes we can only realize that the one we love arent the ones we are supposed to be with.
sometimes we realize that sometimes you just never give up. you never stop trying
and sometimes enough is just enough
sometimes we laugh, and other times we cry. sometimes tears lead to laughter, and laughter leads to tears.
sometimes we need to be ourselves, other times merely a facade of who we truly are.
sometimes it is good to show yourself, and sometimes it is not. it is a skill to decipher between the two.
sometimes we love, we hate, we laugh, we cry.....we fall, we get up, we are broken, we are whole...
sometimes life isnt worth living without any of those.... |
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what can i say? i do it for a living...tearing people apart, to see how they work. ive seen how you work, and all your defects. im walking farther into the darkness, wondering where will it ever end? sorry i made you think that love is reality. because its not. love is not fake nor is it real, because you dont know what real is. you think you're so tough? shut up when im talking to you. look me in the eyes when you lie to my face. it'll make it more of a guilt trip for the both of us. you're not as good of a person as i thought you were. i knew how you were before i ever saw you, i knew you before i knew you. i always knew you. you're just the same person ive been told about. how does it feel to be torn down? to be criticized for what you're worth? finally, i did what mattered most, realized why i keep people like you out of my life. i should pat myself on the back for this one, mind over matter. |
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i gaze at the pictures time and time again
everything you said you despised
trash. trash. trash
it seemed so quickly
that you turned me into nothing
every memory we had
in every escritoire in your mind
burned away
you move on so quickly
you carry on so well
i dont want pity and i dont want sorrow
thats lame and it means nothing
the times that have passed dont matter anymore, they're gone, winds left unchanged by the passage of time. what i feel for you now doesnt compare to how i felt then. i dont want you to know that i feel lost without your touch, your smile, your life running through my veins. you used to get me high on the everlasting stars and leave me there to play while you watched and admired. i havent been back there since you left me cold. it doesnt have the passion anymore, the burning yearning for something. feelings fill up with nowhere to run, a river without an ocean to spread out its soul. then she'll regret the things she never said...never did. dont be the risk she didnt take.
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as what time can do to peoples judgement
race against the clock to surely make it to your heart
join your hand with my heart to feel the rapid beating you produce
on this very second, i feel rapped inside a dream
helping all these feelings to seep out through my pores
nothing seems to make my heart melt quite like you. |
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man in a bar:
"there are two kinds of sufferers in this world, those who suffer from a lack of life and those who suffer from an overabundance of life. ive always found myself in the second category. when you come to think of it, almost all human behavior and activity is not essentially any different from animal behavior. the most advance technologies and craftsmanship bring us, at best, up to the super chimpanzee level. actually, the gap between say, plato or nietzsche and the average human is greater than the gap between that chimpanzee and the average human. the realm of the real spirit, the true artist, the saint, the philosopher, is rarely achieved. why so few? why is world history and evolution not stories of progress but rather this endless and futile addition of zeroes. no greater values have developed. hell, the greeks three thousand years ago are just as advanced as we are today. so what are these barriers that keep people from reaching anywhere near their real potential? the answer to that can be found in another question and thats this - which is the most universal human characteristic? fear or laziness?" |
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you've got to accept the fact that life isnt a fairy tale,
things arent always happily ever after.
things like magic wishes,
prince charmings and true love dont happen in real life.
magic wishes come from money,
prince charmings a shallow idiot with a bad haircut and overpriced clothes.
and true love?
ha, true love is one sided, ace.
you love him, he loves someone else.
he loves you and you love someone else.
never quite works out does it?
so you end up with some actor pretending to be your true love.
real considerate of someone to let you know reality was like that before being thrown into it.
"if you wish it'll happen."
well, wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one fills up faster.
welcome to reality.
enjoy your stay
the suns going to shine and the rains going to fall....
and in the end you might get burnt or wet, but hey, thats life.
so dance in the puddles and bathe in the sun and at the end of the day, smile.
everythings going to be alright. |
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i wish i could be special...at least from my own perspective.
i wish for the sake of others pretending im happy would actually make me happy.
but then im faced with the harsh light of my reality.
unfortunately im not stupid enough to be happy.
i hate that lately im only happy under the influence.
im going to fall flat on my face and sleep.
i just dont feel well enough to be awake.
im hating this as i am currently miserable enough to be hating everything.
i cant find my purpose in life.
my point of productivity.
i do nothing productive...im just focused on having as much fun as humanly possible.
and i cant even do that anymore.
i need to try and go to school and be better so i can get the fuck out of here.
slowly the entire living process has driven me insane.
its so mechanical. do this then this then this, and manage your tasks.
find a place for feelings someplace inside and hide it from the world so they cant poke their fat obnoxious fingers into your wounds.
everyone ponders whether or not they are happy with their state of being. has anyone bothered to ponder that maybe the state of being in which i can acquire happiness is none at all. you say you care but you overlook so many things outside of your life and into mine. look at me like you know me. look at me like you care. tell me that you'll be there for me always and make it sound like its true. look through me.....and say that i matter. not just to you but on a larger scale of unimportance. tell me that i can actually make something of myself like you think it can happen.. and tell me....that it will all be over soon. that i am capable of happiness. like you would allow that to happen.
thats what bothers me about my family and doctors. and all my well wishers who are secretly plotting my misery. they tell me that i can be happy, they tell me to be happy. and i just cant do that with someone standing on my throat. im not quite aware of how i came to be this....unsettled and unstable. but i know that it wont end. im not even sure if i could feel anything in this state. but i wish to find out. "and you bleed to know your alive." comes to mind. my mind.....and its hollow places. and all its cheap plastic filling. sold at a new low price of two dollars, or just another soul i can shove in my blender. nothing is free these days. even the love of another comes at a price that most cant pay. |
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im done.
im over everything.
im sick of trying to do everything to make everyone else happy
no matter what i do i am pissing someone off
so i give up
the only person im trying to make happy is myself
im over everyone else and all their stupid ass drama
people need to realize that the world doesnt revolve around them
and there are more important things to worry about than who is talking shit about who
get over yourself
and if you honestly dont like me or have a problem with me...
say it to me. not your stupid ass friends.
you better have a good reason for it too....not "just because"
i thought we graduated
apparently high school drama queens are in this year
and im not only referring to girls
im done with everyone around here
im not calling people anymore and im not gonna try.
friendships go both ways.
im tired of fake people.
people who always try to make themselves seem better than others
people who talk shit about you behind your back and try to be your friend
the past couple of months have been really eye opening for me as to what REAL friends are
and what crappy friends i shouldnt have.
so if i stop talking to you
then you will understand a little more after reading this rant |
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i live in the shadow of my past. i bathe in the wrath of my downfalls. i crumble in the existence of my embarrassment. yet, i hang onto a thread of hope and pray for a brighter tomorrow.
when it comes to drama between people, drama only exists where you create it. drama is based off an attachment to something, someone, or whatever. the key is to identify what attachment is causing you to experience these negative feelings and to break it. its all about changing the way you go through life. your mind is the key to everything about you, so i would hope its fairly obvious where you should be starting for any sort of self improvement. otherwise, just keep waiting for that idiots guide to life to appear in barnes and noble.
i think now is the time when you must start to make the changes in yourself that will really change you. take the time to really think about everything in your life and figure out what attachments you have that cause drama or whatever you'd like to call it. if you think emotions like pride, etc....are the source of unhappiness, i challenge you to figure out what triggers that emotion whenever it should arrise. ultimately, you'll find some sort of attachment is at the root. through dissolving these attachments you're going to find a new wealth of tolerance, patience and compassion for people. you're never going to know exactly how powerful you are until you're willing to really push and develop yourself. when things get really sucky, just remember that everything is temporary and it will pass. |
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there is no sarcasm in these words and we are all perfect. i enjoy things i dont understand. like you....and me. i am not looking for answers, but i will ask questions. we bring others down because we dont understand. we wont understand. we could understand. live, work, play, think, act, lie, create, forgive, love, die alone. are you comfortable yet? |
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i am on the verge of breaking.
everything seems to be one tangled up mess and im not sure exactly what needs to be done to change everything
i dont know what to think about anyone anymore due to the fact that alot of my friends seem to be fake
i want the best for my future
i want to succeed
yet i dont know what i want to do with my life
im sick of people complaining about everything i do
im sick of people trying to tell me what to do
nothing is ever good enough for anyone
and i dont care anymore
im only here to try to make myself happy
yet everyone seems to think that i need to do everything for them.
fuck that.
people need to get over themselves.
they need to learn that life doesnt revolve around them
i need someone
who will actually be there for me
and be supportive
apparently thats asking a lot nowadays |
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im my own hero, i will make my own mistakes, and i will learn from them. i'll go through hell, and ill skip out smiling. i will make enemies and i will make friends. i will learn from every step i take in my life, and every step i take will be my decision, no one elses. what you think, didnt matter yesterday, doesnt matter right now, and i guarantee it wont matter tomorrow. my life is mine, im going to play with it, im going to throw it, im going to love it, im going to hate it, im going to take so many chances with it....
im going to love it. |
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i miss you so much
i dont know what to do anymore
not a day goes by that i dont think of you
i want you here with me even though its not gonna happen
you have no idea how much you have changed me
you changed my perspective on everything
on life. my hopes. my dreams. my idea of the perfect guy
life doesnt always seem fair
i guess i hoped i would get a break for once
so i could keep you
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so i guess you can call it an immature crush.
But with those dance moves,
his amazingly good body,
and gorgeous eyes.....
what more could a girl ask for?
Lets run away and get married<3
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i find myself, more concerned with society than i have ever really been. i feel like im lost in a culture that no longer embraces a moment. we are too quick to rudh through everything, that we lost sight of the importance in everything we do...mostly, we have, as a culture lose sight of "love" and "passion"... we are far more concerned with throwing around slopping phrases just for the sake of saying them....since when did "i love you" become so casual? since when did a kiss lose all meaning? why is our culture so infatuate with overusing "i love you" and making out, just for the sake of making out....kissing everytime we pass...i think we have lost out on something powerful, because of that. think about how it would feel if you were in a relationship with someone, you both complimented eachother, you both knew that "love" existed, but it was saved for those moments of passion....those moments, that are so powerful, because you dont just kiss eachother all the time...you saave those kissed for the moments of closeness....think about the buildup, as your bodies are pressed together, the warmth of your partners breath upon your lips, as you are just milimeters apart...think about each gentle touch, which has been saved just for this moment, just for you. everything is slow....everything is natural...your bodies led by passion of the moment, not by a drive for penetration...the lips are teased, gentle caresses near, around the lips, lips prowling along the nape of the neck, fingers running through hair, around ears...gently touching the skin as if it were just a breeze and nothing more...the deep looks within the depths of your partners soul, feeling their emotion, feeling their love, desiring their touch...their kiss....Every moment so seemingly choreagraphed, but led only by emotion and the moment. Imagine indulging in the pleasure that is your partners body, the silkiness of their skin, the salty taste of passion with each touch of your tongue... But what is the reality of it all? What have we let ourselves become... a society of quick fucks and finger bangs... what a goddamn turn on that is. I'm guilty, I'll admit it. But show me a man that is ready for passion, and for a moment in time, we shall be intertwined, our thoughts, bodies, emotions one... no wandering thoughts, just the moment. I think we can all learn a lot from history... from early literature. Love isn't something that was just written about, it was something that truly existed, it was felt... and can still be felt, if we allow ourselves to embrace it, and open up to the moment rather than running from it... |
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is it right to do something that makes someone think that they are getting what they want, when they're really losing what they need??
i belong to a time when life was about more than the meaningless blink of an eye. a time thats never been and never will be because those living are already dead. a man of the same time once said "there are worse things than being along." and now i know. we both know. do you?
i need to write more. i have brain problems that are very troubling to me. my memory is unreliable and getting more so all the time and it makes me hate myself. my memory is crumbling like a sand castle with each whip of the incoming tide, until it is unrecognizable, and then gone.
imagina being unable to trust your brain. you cant follow a conversation, or a movie, or a book. you read a page, and suddenly your eyes have drifted down to another paragraph on the facing page, and you dont know how you got there. yet your gut nags at you because the other paragraph is unfinished. imagine looking at a phone number, turning to the phone to dial, and forgetting it as your finger touches the buttons. five times in a row. you get lost in places you know. you almost get hit by a car because you ride into traffic because you forget the significance of a red light. you just cant learn to drive, because you cant focus on your driving.
working memory is where you put information that you've just received, like if you're carrying a phone number to the phone. except mine doesnt work. any sometimes my old memories, like my usually sparkling grammar skills, are failing me. it makes me cry inside. i honestly do care. and no matter what, i cant improve, thus making me an uncaring liar.
i cant focus on anything. i read a page three, four times before the words settle in and mean something. focusing is like trying to stuff a bowling ball through a thin lead pipe. its funny, until you absolutely have to be abl to do it or destroy all your hard work. then its like a nonsensical nightmare that never ends. im trying to explain how this feels, like when i "write" in my pondering mind about it, but theres a traffic jam in there and nothing can decide whats more important to come onto the computer screen first. i cannot afford to lose my memory and focus. its like being at sea, with no paddles and no map. you could be staring at the same ocean or a different ocean, but you have no real way to tell. im sick of it. i will fight tooth and nail to remember again.
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