Beginning to end. im always me

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 20:22:39 GMT

i kind of want to apologize for who i used to be, but on the other hand i kind of dont. i want to ask all the random people who hate anyone, particularly girls who hate other girls, to try to get to know them. do you realize how much energy you waste viciously attacking someone mentally, or talking shit about them, because you heard she slept with so and so or because the guy you like once liked her. yea, not fucking worth it, at all.

ive been doing a lot of thinking lately, and analyzing i suppose, and trying to figure out why i react the way i do to some things. i hate writing this. but i really feel like i need to. so many girls have hated me for stupid reasons, and its typically over guys. and in some ways it bothers me. i dont like when people hate me. im not sayng i havent done the same thing. im guilty. i have talked shit, i have been vindictive and ridiculously hateful. ive learned that its not worth it to hate people, no matter what you hear. so please, all of you, get to know me. donthate me because of who im with, or other stupid shit in the past. i promise you, its not worth it to hold grudges. if i held a grudge instead of getting over it, i wouldnt have two of the best friends i have today.

im trying so hard to learn from my mistakes and what ive done in the past, because ive done and said a lot of things that i am truly ashamed of. and if i hurt you, whether it was intentionally or by accident, im really sorry.

i think its time for a new journal. if you want the new name just ask me.

words for thought

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 01:22:54 GMT

dont settle for a relationship that wont let you be yourself.

life isnt all its cut out to be. it has its ups and downs, but you have to embrace those ups and downs and learn from them. you cant just sit back and mope and make people have pity for you. you have to put those things that are hurting you aside....and live....you only get one life and that one life isnt long. you have to do everything that comes your way. yea....you might get embarassed, but in a month, noone will remember. you have to do what you feel is right. you cant worry about other people. just life and how you want to live it. dont follow examples, make them. let people follow in your footsteps. sometimes, you just have to dance around and look like a fool. other times, you have to sing as loud as you can, even if you do sound bad. you havent lived until you've danced in your underwear. and most of all, you need to laugh. never go a day without laughing....or at least smiling. it doesnt matter if you've had the worst day, if you just laugh, everything will be okay. for the most part, just be you. dont listen to others....they are going to make fun of you....they are going to tell you that you're stupid. but, that is their opinion. it only becomes true when you start to believe it.

illness, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul.

"you cant keep dwelling on every moment that slipped by; with every sunset comes a sunrise. and we dont know or care where we go. just turn up that radio, sing along to all our favorite songs and hope these interstates go on and on and on."

if you're convinced that you're not good enough, you will have a difficult time accepting someone into your life who thinks you are

if you're feeling frightened about what comes next, dont. embrace the uncertainty. allow it to lead you places. be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness, dont waste time with regret. spin wildly into your next action. enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you'll never get another one quite like it. and if you should ever look up, and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart....where your hope lives. you'll find your way again.

If you avoid certain situations because you're worried about the outcome, you never get to learn what would have happened if you had faced those situations. You deprive yourself of the chance to see how you would have coped. When you decide to avoid, you experience a temporary state of relief, but you're also left feeling powerless and deflated, as if you can't control your own behavior. Eventually you become discouraged and disheartened as a vague sense of feeling paralyzed sets in. This is how avoidance slowly eats away your self-confidence over time... Push yourself to feel vulnerable- this allows you to learn that you can handle whatever happens, and that even the most difficult of emotions can't destroy you. We're all capable of feeling intense fear so we can escpape life-threatening situations... But usually people avoid things that simply make them feel uncomfortable.

since 2006 is almost over

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 23:29:46 GMT

1. Have you had any relationships this year?

only 1 important one

2. Have you had your birthday yet

yes

3. Seen Happy Feet yet?

nope

4. Been on a diet?

Nope but i need to start eating healthier

5. Pulled an all nighter?

of couse

6. Drank Starbucks?

not that much but yes

7. Went Camping?

sort of

8. Bought something(s)

quite a few things

9. Met someone special?

A few

10. Been out of state?

Mexico

11. Gone Snowboarding?

Nope

12. What are you thinking about?
how much i want to accomplish in life...and a certain someone

Have you...

1.) Hugged someone?

Oh yeah

2.) Slept in someone else's bed?

Yep

3.) Drank any alchohol?

yes

4.) Loaned out money?

kinda sorta

5.) Gotten in a car accident?

haha before the concert last night me and jessika sideswiped a car

6.) Gone over your cell phone bill?

all the time

7.) Done something you regret?

Lightweight

8.)Last Person you hugged?

jessika

9.)Last Person to call you?

sergio

10.) When was the last time you felt stupid?

no idea. dont really care anymore

11.)Who was the last person you danced with?

jessika, sergio and tristan in my car last night

12.)Who did you last yell at?
dont remember

13.)What did you do today?

woke up and did a bunch of job applications

01. Hometown?

San Leandro

02. Natural hair color?

red/brown.

03. Initials?

rsl

04. Hair style?

boring....i need to get a cut

5. eye color?

blue/green

06. Height:

5'4 or 5'5ish

07. Pets:

2 dogs

08. Mood:

bored

09. Where would you rather be?

somewhere fun

10. Last thing you drank?
coca cola

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE:

01. Have you ever been in love:

yes

02. Do you believe in love?

definitely

03. Why did your LAST relationship fail?

he went back to new york :(

04. Have you ever been heartbroken:

Oh yeah

05. Have you ever broken someone's heart:

yea

5 EMOTIONS

01. Are you missing someone right now?

yepp

02. Are you happy?

i am content

03. Are you eating anything?

no.

04. Do you love someone right now?

i love a lot of people

05. What do you think the future holds?

everything and anything

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 09:01:48 GMT

i love your witty little journal entries because i will never be able to surpass them, but i dont really mind because it is refreshing to hear about places and situations that i do not get to experience that often. your take on life is rather refreshing. little infatuations area a nice break from the norm...

something to think about..

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 03:58:46 GMT

sometimes you are just waiting for that person to wake up and realize that you arent the one that they want. you arent their number one, their soulmate, their significant other. and, sometimes that dream is merely a nightmare. a nightmare of some persons reality.

sometimes you get worried that the flaws you work so well to cover are out there on your sleeve, or as bright as a stain on your perfectly flawless white shirt.

sometimes you realize that loving can also lead to so much hurting because of the fact that loving someone makes you so vulnerable to weakness

sometimes you hope that someone can take your bullshit, and love you, the shit, and the bull you use to cover you up.

sometimes we can only realize that the one we love arent the ones we are supposed to be with.

sometimes we realize that sometimes you just never give up. you never stop trying

and sometimes enough is just enough

sometimes we laugh, and other times we cry. sometimes tears lead to laughter, and laughter leads to tears.

sometimes we need to be ourselves, other times merely a facade of who we truly are.

sometimes it is good to show yourself, and sometimes it is not. it is a skill to decipher between the two.

sometimes we love, we hate, we laugh, we cry.....we fall, we get up, we are broken, we are whole...

sometimes life isnt worth living without any of those....

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 01:28:12 GMT

what can i say? i do it for a living...tearing people apart, to see how they work. ive seen how you work, and all your defects. im walking farther into the darkness, wondering where will it ever end? sorry i made you think that love is reality. because its not. love is not fake nor is it real, because you dont know what real is. you think you're so tough? shut up when im talking to you. look me in the eyes when you lie to my face. it'll make it more of a guilt trip for the both of us. you're not as good of a person as i thought you were. i knew how you were before i ever saw you, i knew you before i knew you. i always knew you. you're just the same person ive been told about. how does it feel to be torn down? to be criticized for what you're worth? finally, i did what mattered most, realized why i keep people like you out of my life. i should pat myself on the back for this one, mind over matter.

Tue, 28 Nov 2006 00:49:33 GMT

i gaze at the pictures time and time again
everything you said you despised
trash. trash. trash
it seemed so quickly
that you turned me into nothing
every memory we had
in every escritoire in your mind
burned away
you move on so quickly
you carry on so well

i dont want pity and i dont want sorrow
thats lame and it means nothing

the times that have passed dont matter anymore, they're gone, winds left unchanged by the passage of time. what i feel for you now doesnt compare to how i felt then. i dont want you to know that i feel lost without your touch, your smile, your life running through my veins. you used to get me high on the everlasting stars and leave me there to play while you watched and admired. i havent been back there since you left me cold. it doesnt have the passion anymore, the burning yearning for something. feelings fill up with nowhere to run, a river without an ocean to spread out its soul. then she'll regret the things she never said...never did. dont be the risk she didnt take.

and the emotions keep on coming...

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 23:45:36 GMT

as what time can do to peoples judgement
race against the clock to surely make it to your heart
join your hand with my heart to feel the rapid beating you produce
on this very second, i feel rapped inside a dream
helping all these feelings to seep out through my pores
nothing seems to make my heart melt quite like you.

random thoughts

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 08:55:42 GMT

man in a bar:
"there are two kinds of sufferers in this world, those who suffer from a lack of life and those who suffer from an overabundance of life. ive always found myself in the second category. when you come to think of it, almost all human behavior and activity is not essentially any different from animal behavior. the most advance technologies and craftsmanship bring us, at best, up to the super chimpanzee level. actually, the gap between say, plato or nietzsche and the average human is greater than the gap between that chimpanzee and the average human. the realm of the real spirit, the true artist, the saint, the philosopher, is rarely achieved. why so few? why is world history and evolution not stories of progress but rather this endless and futile addition of zeroes. no greater values have developed. hell, the greeks three thousand years ago are just as advanced as we are today. so what are these barriers that keep people from reaching anywhere near their real potential? the answer to that can be found in another question and thats this - which is the most universal human characteristic? fear or laziness?"

reality

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 23:19:47 GMT

you've got to accept the fact that life isnt a fairy tale,
things arent always happily ever after.
things like magic wishes,
prince charmings and true love dont happen in real life.
magic wishes come from money,
prince charmings a shallow idiot with a bad haircut and overpriced clothes.
and true love?
ha, true love is one sided, ace.
you love him, he loves someone else.
he loves you and you love someone else.
never quite works out does it?
so you end up with some actor pretending to be your true love.
real considerate of someone to let you know reality was like that before being thrown into it.
"if you wish it'll happen."
well, wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one fills up faster.
welcome to reality.
enjoy your stay

the suns going to shine and the rains going to fall....
and in the end you might get burnt or wet, but hey, thats life.
so dance in the puddles and bathe in the sun and at the end of the day, smile.
everythings going to be alright.

random thoughts

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 10:47:36 GMT

i wish i could be special...at least from my own perspective.
i wish for the sake of others pretending im happy would actually make me happy.
but then im faced with the harsh light of my reality.
unfortunately im not stupid enough to be happy.
i hate that lately im only happy under the influence.
im going to fall flat on my face and sleep.
i just dont feel well enough to be awake.
im hating this as i am currently miserable enough to be hating everything.

i cant find my purpose in life.
my point of productivity.
i do nothing productive...im just focused on having as much fun as humanly possible.
and i cant even do that anymore.
i need to try and go to school and be better so i can get the fuck out of here.
slowly the entire living process has driven me insane.
its so mechanical. do this then this then this, and manage your tasks.
find a place for feelings someplace inside and hide it from the world so they cant poke their fat obnoxious fingers into your wounds.

everyone ponders whether or not they are happy with their state of being. has anyone bothered to ponder that maybe the state of being in which i can acquire happiness is none at all. you say you care but you overlook so many things outside of your life and into mine. look at me like you know me. look at me like you care. tell me that you'll be there for me always and make it sound like its true. look through me.....and say that i matter. not just to you but on a larger scale of unimportance. tell me that i can actually make something of myself like you think it can happen.. and tell me....that it will all be over soon. that i am capable of happiness. like you would allow that to happen.

thats what bothers me about my family and doctors. and all my well wishers who are secretly plotting my misery. they tell me that i can be happy, they tell me to be happy. and i just cant do that with someone standing on my throat. im not quite aware of how i came to be this....unsettled and unstable. but i know that it wont end. im not even sure if i could feel anything in this state. but i wish to find out. "and you bleed to know your alive." comes to mind. my mind.....and its hollow places. and all its cheap plastic filling. sold at a new low price of two dollars, or just another soul i can shove in my blender. nothing is free these days. even the love of another comes at a price that most cant pay.

whatever

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 12:11:42 GMT

im done.
im over everything.
im sick of trying to do everything to make everyone else happy
no matter what i do i am pissing someone off
so i give up
the only person im trying to make happy is myself
im over everyone else and all their stupid ass drama
people need to realize that the world doesnt revolve around them
and there are more important things to worry about than who is talking shit about who
get over yourself
and if you honestly dont like me or have a problem with me...
say it to me. not your stupid ass friends.
you better have a good reason for it too....not "just because"
i thought we graduated
apparently high school drama queens are in this year
and im not only referring to girls
im done with everyone around here
im not calling people anymore and im not gonna try.
friendships go both ways.
im tired of fake people.
people who always try to make themselves seem better than others
people who talk shit about you behind your back and try to be your friend
the past couple of months have been really eye opening for me as to what REAL friends are
and what crappy friends i shouldnt have.
so if i stop talking to you
then you will understand a little more after reading this rant

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 23:47:16 GMT

i live in the shadow of my past. i bathe in the wrath of my downfalls. i crumble in the existence of my embarrassment. yet, i hang onto a thread of hope and pray for a brighter tomorrow.

when it comes to drama between people, drama only exists where you create it. drama is based off an attachment to something, someone, or whatever. the key is to identify what attachment is causing you to experience these negative feelings and to break it. its all about changing the way you go through life. your mind is the key to everything about you, so i would hope its fairly obvious where you should be starting for any sort of self improvement. otherwise, just keep waiting for that idiots guide to life to appear in barnes and noble.

i think now is the time when you must start to make the changes in yourself that will really change you. take the time to really think about everything in your life and figure out what attachments you have that cause drama or whatever you'd like to call it. if you think emotions like pride, etc....are the source of unhappiness, i challenge you to figure out what triggers that emotion whenever it should arrise. ultimately, you'll find some sort of attachment is at the root. through dissolving these attachments you're going to find a new wealth of tolerance, patience and compassion for people. you're never going to know exactly how powerful you are until you're willing to really push and develop yourself. when things get really sucky, just remember that everything is temporary and it will pass.

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 19:30:52 GMT

there is no sarcasm in these words and we are all perfect. i enjoy things i dont understand. like you....and me. i am not looking for answers, but i will ask questions. we bring others down because we dont understand. we wont understand. we could understand. live, work, play, think, act, lie, create, forgive, love, die alone. are you comfortable yet?

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 01:07:01 GMT

i am on the verge of breaking.
everything seems to be one tangled up mess and im not sure exactly what needs to be done to change everything
i dont know what to think about anyone anymore due to the fact that alot of my friends seem to be fake
i want the best for my future
i want to succeed
yet i dont know what i want to do with my life
im sick of people complaining about everything i do
im sick of people trying to tell me what to do
nothing is ever good enough for anyone
and i dont care anymore
im only here to try to make myself happy
yet everyone seems to think that i need to do everything for them.
fuck that.
people need to get over themselves.
they need to learn that life doesnt revolve around them
i need someone
who will actually be there for me
and be supportive
apparently thats asking a lot nowadays

Sat, 04 Nov 2006 08:28:34 GMT

im my own hero, i will make my own mistakes, and i will learn from them. i'll go through hell, and ill skip out smiling. i will make enemies and i will make friends. i will learn from every step i take in my life, and every step i take will be my decision, no one elses. what you think, didnt matter yesterday, doesnt matter right now, and i guarantee it wont matter tomorrow. my life is mine, im going to play with it, im going to throw it, im going to love it, im going to hate it, im going to take so many chances with it....

im going to love it.

i hate life

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 21:44:04 GMT

i miss you so much
i dont know what to do anymore
not a day goes by that i dont think of you
i want you here with me even though its not gonna happen
you have no idea how much you have changed me
you changed my perspective on everything
on life. my hopes. my dreams. my idea of the perfect guy
life doesnt always seem fair
i guess i hoped i would get a break for once
so i could keep you

babys daddy

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 04:07:44 GMT

so i guess you can call it an immature crush.
But with those dance moves,
his amazingly good body,
and gorgeous eyes.....
what more could a girl ask for?

Lets run away and get married<3

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 19:58:11 GMT

i find myself, more concerned with society than i have ever really been. i feel like im lost in a culture that no longer embraces a moment. we are too quick to rudh through everything, that we lost sight of the importance in everything we do...mostly, we have, as a culture lose sight of "love" and "passion"... we are far more concerned with throwing around slopping phrases just for the sake of saying them....since when did "i love you" become so casual? since when did a kiss lose all meaning? why is our culture so infatuate with overusing "i love you" and making out, just for the sake of making out....kissing everytime we pass...i think we have lost out on something powerful, because of that.

think about how it would feel if you were in a relationship with someone, you both complimented eachother, you both knew that "love" existed, but it was saved for those moments of passion....those moments, that are so powerful, because you dont just kiss eachother all the time...you saave those kissed for the moments of closeness....think about the buildup, as your bodies are pressed together, the warmth of your partners breath upon your lips, as you are just milimeters apart...think about each gentle touch, which has been saved just for this moment, just for you. everything is slow....everything is natural...your bodies led by passion of the moment, not by a drive for penetration...the lips are teased, gentle caresses near, around the lips, lips prowling along the nape of the neck, fingers running through hair, around ears...gently touching the skin as if it were just a breeze and nothing more...the deep looks within the depths of your partners soul, feeling their emotion, feeling their love, desiring their touch...their kiss....Every moment so seemingly choreagraphed, but led only by emotion and the moment. Imagine indulging in the pleasure that is your partners body, the silkiness of their skin, the salty taste of passion with each touch of your tongue...

But what is the reality of it all? What have we let ourselves become... a society of quick fucks and finger bangs... what a goddamn turn on that is. I'm guilty, I'll admit it. But show me a man that is ready for passion, and for a moment in time, we shall be intertwined, our thoughts, bodies, emotions one... no wandering thoughts, just the moment.

I think we can all learn a lot from history... from early literature. Love isn't something that was just written about, it was something that truly existed, it was felt... and can still be felt, if we allow ourselves to embrace it, and open up to the moment rather than running from it...

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 20:40:17 GMT

is it right to do something that makes someone think that they are getting what they want, when they're really losing what they need??

i belong to a time when life was about more than the meaningless blink of an eye. a time thats never been and never will be because those living are already dead. a man of the same time once said "there are worse things than being along." and now i know. we both know. do you?

i need to write more. i have brain problems that are very troubling to me. my memory is unreliable and getting more so all the time and it makes me hate myself. my memory is crumbling like a sand castle with each whip of the incoming tide, until it is unrecognizable, and then gone.

imagina being unable to trust your brain. you cant follow a conversation, or a movie, or a book. you read a page, and suddenly your eyes have drifted down to another paragraph on the facing page, and you dont know how you got there. yet your gut nags at you because the other paragraph is unfinished. imagine looking at a phone number, turning to the phone to dial, and forgetting it as your finger touches the buttons. five times in a row. you get lost in places you know. you almost get hit by a car because you ride into traffic because you forget the significance of a red light. you just cant learn to drive, because you cant focus on your driving.

working memory is where you put information that you've just received, like if you're carrying a phone number to the phone. except mine doesnt work. any sometimes my old memories, like my usually sparkling grammar skills, are failing me. it makes me cry inside. i honestly do care. and no matter what, i cant improve, thus making me an uncaring liar.

i cant focus on anything. i read a page three, four times before the words settle in and mean something. focusing is like trying to stuff a bowling ball through a thin lead pipe. its funny, until you absolutely have to be abl to do it or destroy all your hard work. then its like a nonsensical nightmare that never ends. im trying to explain how this feels, like when i "write" in my pondering mind about it, but theres a traffic jam in there and nothing can decide whats more important to come onto the computer screen first. i cannot afford to lose my memory and focus. its like being at sea, with no paddles and no map. you could be staring at the same ocean or a different ocean, but you have no real way to tell. im sick of it. i will fight tooth and nail to remember again.

Tue, 19 Sep 2006 03:58:24 GMT

is it possible...that we can be so scared to open up our hearts to someone because it means being totally, completely selfless. not having an excuse anymore about why we cant, except for that it doesntserve our own self interest. or....that other feelings can be haunting and blocking those feelings we may or may not have. what i dont understand is why we can be so sure of something one minute and then completely change what we feel the next. never truly understanding our emotions or where they come from. for some reason i always come back to the notion that the answer is right there in front of us, but either we are too blind to see it, or too scared to follow it. meaning that we know what the answer is, but following it would mean relaxing out guards and intuitions to reach into the unknown. something that we, as people, tend to be so scared of....

why?

because we always want to know the answer or the end result or if we are going to be hurt or be prosperous in the end. maybe, just maybe, we are meant to reach right in that dark area of the unknown. because do not the greatest gifts in life come from confronting what we fear the most? what we DONT know the answers to??

i guess sometimes we make mistakes, and unfortunately its those mistakes that cost us the people we love the most. why is it, that we hurt those closest to us, only to realize how much they really did mean to us? i guess we dont appreciate those special things that are put in our lives until they are gone. sometimes i just wish i could realize what i am doing before its too late, but then again mistakes also happen for a reason right?

things will work our the way they are meant to in the end. i just wish i knew what was to happen next
then again....they say the best things are worth fighting for....

we all do make mistakes. but why does it always lead to losing the people that we truly care about the most? and you dont mean to hurt them, you really dont, and to see them hurt like that kills because they mean so much to you, they mean everything to you. as you watch them walk away you start to build all of these regrets inside and think to yourself "why did i do that? how could i mess things up like that?" you feel like you took advantage of what you had. of course in the back of your mind you never, ever thought you would have lost what you had because it all seemed too perfect. now you look back and think how it was all too perfect to be true and last forever. looking back on things you realize that maybe you dont really appreciate those special people that are put into your life until they are really gone. but why does it have to end up like that? why cant you have just one more chance to start over and get them back? you cant though because its too late. instead you have to hold in those tears as you watch that special person that meant the world to you just leave out of your life because of the one mistake you made. but instead of holding in those regrets you need to realize that maybe things really do happen for a readon. and they will work out the way they are meant to in the end. but then again, they say the best things are worth fighting for, so dont give up. give it one more last shot, but if it doesnt workout....love your life with no regrets.

once you finally find what you want....something has to go wrong. theres always a catch. people dont understand it i guess...i mean being faithful and serious. they get scared that everyone is exactly the same. and then throw it away for nothing. when it could have been something amazing. you know what i mean??

and whats worse is sometimes people dont see that the answer is right in front of them....humanity is blind to the truth. we choose denial over honesty....and this is the result.

what is it that you can give to people, when in retrospect they have already given everything to you? ive always pondered this thought, examining it inside and out. i believed it to be only your true self and what you have to offer, but more importantly i feel it is love. everyone wants that moment in life of passion, infatuation, lust, all coming together to form love. i feel people dislike this confusing emotion only because they want it so badly and become emotionally frustrated because they've been hurt so much. a perfect gift to anyone...whether it be a family member, friend, significant other, etc.... is love. a common phrase used nowadays comes to mind. "treat people the way you want to be treated." a great guideline to this modern worlds society i believe. to be loved is just ot experience that warm feeling in your heart when you see someone you like, when you achieve those fluttering butterflies in your stomach, or goosebumps by their soft touch....or soft kiss on the cheek or forehead. something just to let you know that you have that sense of security around you.

love makes the world go round

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 05:53:25 GMT

true love is like a rose

beautiful but painfUl if you arent careful where you touch.

you have to nurture it and keep it fresh to keep it alive

if you dont it will slowly wilt and die and even the slightest touch will make it fall apart.

when you do keep it alive, it is breathtakingly beautiful, moreso than anything in the world.

you dont choose who you love or when it happens.

you dont choose if they love you back or when the passion you feel ends.

love chooses you not based on age, popularity, look or timing.

it comes when you dont expect it

you might now even want it but as hard as you try once it chooses you there is no turning back until it has taken its course.

if you are lucky, that once in a lifetime person will walk into your life and change everything you held to be true.

they will love you unconditionally and for once you will know true happiness whether you find it in that first kiss, while being in their arms, or even just looking at the stars through their eyes

suddenly, you find everything you have ever wanted.

they make everyone who comes after them seem just a want to be version of that one true love with whom you knw you will never fully leave behind.

with love there is no turning back and no letting go.

so i was thinking....

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 05:51:30 GMT

..i began to think last night
and i soon began to realize
there is so much more to life than the way that i have been living it
instead of not being able to remember the night before, constantly,
id like to be able to remember my life
id like to actually accomplish something
id lke to put somewhat of an impact int his world before i leave it.
i hope its not too late

all this time
i could have been using that brain of mine
but instead of going to school
i was too busy ditching and screwing around
its quite pointless when i think of it now
yea. pointless
especially since the few i called good friends are basically nothing to me now
the memories we made...
are just memories. and thats how they will remain in the past. and nothing in the future

i have always been one to make mistakes
and at least i have always been one to go back and try to fix them in the ed
if ic ared about you one time or another
i will always care about you
even if you hate me, but i will never trust you again

i just wish i had been so gracious with my life
but i wasnt and i cant go back now
but i can fix the future
maybe not as much as i would like
but enough to become an actual person
enough to be something great and put myself to use again

i still have goals
now they just seem a lot further away

i am a smart girl and i should have put that to use awhile ago
an no. i am not the same girl you knew in school
i didnt know who i was then and now i do
if i dont know you, i dont care what you think of me
and if i do know you and give a damn about you
then your opinion means the world to me

i need to get my life back...

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 05:42:35 GMT

questions rush everywhere lacking any solutions

my mind isnt capable of making sense of this

sometimes i want to sttach past tense on this

truth must come without any substitutions

People want to dodge revealing their intentions
Hiding what's right tight within locked corridors
We need to group and break down those doors
Maybe then they might answer our questions
Society needs change before this combusts
Morphing into a version that's turned curdled
Improving slower than a small rushing turtle
Witness past glories fading as they rust
Perhaps my age adds to my rebellious spirit
Making me dissent for reasons still unknown
Turning into a sensible person once I'm grown
Even them I'm sure they'll refuse to hear it

so sometimes i just feel the need to sit down and write something. i ususally start out witha little small talk about i want to write something, type something, oh sweet word therapy i guess. then i mold and flow into something different. i dont know, thats just how my brain works. i need a little jump start to get it going. when my juices flow i can almost feel them running around, sloushing around in the little veins in my head. perhaps its some sort of placebo effect, but i really think about it....

sometimes i can concentrate, and i can feel my body function. of course you can hear your heart beat, but can you feel your blood flowing? can you feel the air through your passages and in your lungs, and going the way back out? you can train your mind....

my wish

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 07:22:12 GMT

"my wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small, you never need to carry more than you can hold, and while you're out there getting where you're getting too, i hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too, yea this, is my wish" ~ Rascal Flatts

as i go through the worst yet best year of my life, i ask myself what exactly is it that im doing wrong....i have asked myself this question everyday for the past year. i just now realised all that has gone wrong this past year or so of my life isnt because there is something wrong with me, but yet that i have spent my time with guys who think the world revolves around them. people who know me know i would do anything for someone i care about....money isnt an issue when i feel for someone, and im always faithful and considerate of their feelings....when im seeing someone i alwawys go out of my way to find ways to make them smile, and if they are ever in trouble i find ways to try and help them out. i find myself being a hypocrite because i tell my friends to forget about guys who treat them bad, but here i am still getting over people who let me fall pretty hard, and wasnt even there too catch me....today is the day that i realize that it isnt that he is too good for me, (as he thinks) its more like i deserve better than him. he will spend all his time looking for the perfect girl, and blowing off the ones who treat him well and truly care about him just so he can find a perfect face, and in reality maybe he will find that, but who knows if she'll truly love him....the way i did

REFLECTION. A self search within, to reveal the people in my life, what their purpose is, and if they benefit meor hinder the way im trying to live. do they help ease the chaos in my life, or cause me more pain and strife. i get stuck when they fall right in between. they offer some of their best qualities, but at times cause the most pain. confused, at a crossroads. not sure which way will benefit me most. but im not the one big on pain. i have enough for a lifetime. at the same time, ive only opened up to one soul in this world, and that person is the deciding factor at the crossroads. do i settle for pain because the more positive aspects keep me sane or do i choose the painless road, that will cause me grief over my loss. i wish i had a coin to toss, and could decide on heads or tails. but the ails of my heart dont cease that easily. i dont know which way to turn, what direction to go during this time of reflection. im stuck in time, my feet planted, and i cant move, looking in both directions. trying to predict the outcome of either road. but i havent received the esp gene. each road has its own tolls, each toll with its own fees. but its fees arent monetary. i have to pay with my heart. and i have no more to give, its getting too expensive. i need more time to decide what road to take. this decision isnt an easy one to make. it feels as if im in a no win situation. i cant see whats at the end of this t-intersection. im stuck in the neutral zone of my heart called reflection.